6 weeks to a new you !!!

Have you ever seen those crazy late night infomercials that claim you can change your life completely in just 6 short weeks by using whatever crazy product they are promoting that night, be it a weight loss pill, or a new crazy fad exercise program ? Yeah me too, they never work. 

Well, I have been given 6 weeks to sit at home and do NOTHING. Not one single thing. I've never realized just how much I did in a day till I was told I couldn't do any of it anymore. I can't cook, clean, carpool the kids, do the laundry ( I'm not complaining about this one.) I can't go to the gym or walk around the mall to go shopping (not that I have done this since I was 18, but the option would be nice) Basically I can't do anthing but sit on the couch and get fat. well, fatter.

I went to the Dr. today for a post op follow up. While they said I was healing nicely, they were very adamant about not doing ANYTHING. No bending, NO lifting, NO twisting, NO sitting for too long, NO laying for too long; Basically, NOTHING for 6 whole weeks. Last time I had restrictions like this I got a baby at the end of it. It didn't take me this long to recover after my C-sections, but man, I'm not doing as well with this as I did with those. Everything hurts, sleeping hurts, walking hurts, sitting hurts ( mostly my butt) 

I had a mini breakdown today after visiting work and finding out, even though the Dr. released me back to work on a light duty restriction, they don't allow light duty restrictions and I can't work till the first or second week in JUNE. yeah, the whole month of MAY is off work. I cried in my boss's office when he stepped out for a minute, (don't tell anyone) I panicked, what is going to happen to us financially? I'm about to be getting medical bills I can't pay, and that's going to be added to the everyday living expenses. I was about to start a second job to help cover our bills. That's going to have to wait now. With me having no income coming in, hubby is going to have to work more hours and he's already limited on how many he can get because we work for a stupid union. (Don't get me started on this one.) The only good thing so far is that I may qualify for a short term disability through the union. Hopefully the disability checks start coming in soon and I can breathe a little easier. 

This all could not have happened at a worse time, we were trying to save as much as we could to move to a different apartment in June. Every time we get a glimmer of the light at the end of the deep, dark tunnel, a boulder breaks off the roof and crashes down blocking the way. I seriously need to buy a jack hammer !!! hey, do you think they have a 6 week program on how to operate a jack hammer ? I got the time now..........

I've lost my appendix

 My Easter weekend was not how I planed it.
 Easter morning I woke up in the very early morning hours with sharp stomach pain. I have a history of having cysts on my ovaries and just figured it was one of those again, which Dr's won't do anything for, or a bad tummy ache. I went back to sleep hoping to sleep it off and maybe it would go away on it's own. It did not. I finally went to Urgent care about 2pm. they told me to go to the ER they thought it was my appendix and that I needed to go get an ultrasound and all they had was an X-ray machine. (Not helpful to me)
So we headed towards the hospital, However, on the way there the pain subsided and I figured it was a cyst after all and it had ruptured. pain gone, end of story. I opted to go home and rest instead of wait in an ER waiting room and have them tell me I was fine and there was  nothing they could do, but let me rest it out.
About 9pm the pain came back WAY worse than it had been and it had been bad before.
I called my hubby who left work early and the MIL came to put the kids to bed. Off to the ER we went. We got there at about 10:30pm. I checked in and told them I had been sent by urgent care and that they had thought it was my appendix. I was told to have a seat and wait. they took blood and urine and ran some test, and I waited, and waited and waited.oh yeah, and I waited some more. Finally after 3.5 hours of waiting I was brought back at 2AM. examined and told, I was probably having an ovarian cyst rupture and that like I thought there was not much they could do except manage my pain. They sent me for the ultrasound to check the Ovary and to my surprise it revealed I do not have a right ovary anymore. So clearly it was not a cyst on my ovary, so off to CT I went. Hubby had to leave to get the kids up and ready for school and to release his mom who wanted to go sleep in her own bed, I didn't blame her, I wanted the same thing. shortly after 6AM the Dr came back in and it was determined that I did in fact have appendicitis. I was scheduled for surgery for later that day and moved up from the ER to the main hospital.
surgery was at 3pm and by 6 I was back upstairs in my room and one less useless organ.
at least I'll know the next time I have pain like this in my lower right belly it is in fact NOT my appendix.

Hashimotos is killing me slowly

I'm dying....
No not literally, well not yet anyway, But I feel like I am. This damn disease is kicking my butt. I'm a freaking emotional wreck. I am on the verge of tears all the time, I'm hot one minute freezing to the bone the next. I get pissed off at the stupidest stuff. My hands are shaky, just typing this is hurting. My joints are all swollen and painful. I'm beyond tired all day long no matter how much sleep I get. My hair fell out in giant clumps the other morning in the shower. I have thick hair, so this was devastating to me. I cried. My skin looks like crap too. I'm all dry and scaly. And today at work I flipped out on a coworker and kept forgetting my stupid produce codes. These are codes I know by heart. So tonight as I write this, I am drinking a giant glass of wine, and feeling sorry for myself.

I joined a gym

Tonight I joined a gym......again. 
I know, I know I know it was long over due. The only downside to this gym is it's a bit of a drive from my house. My last gym was 2 minutes away. This one is 20. But, seriously everything else about this place ROCKS. They have all the equipment I like and the cherry on top is they have a massage table. It's automatic and wonderful. You just lay there and it's a massage bed. they have tanning beds too and this stand up fat blaster thing, I'll figure out what that thing is like another day. But I'm proud to say my first day back in the gym was fabulous !!! I worked hard and long and I feel great for it. I'll hurt for sure tomorrow, but it will be a good well earned hurt.

My Best Birthday Ever

This weekend, was my 30th Birthday. I have not had a lot of luck in the party department growing up. Being a spring break baby usually means friends are out of town so, no party. This year my wonderful husband changed that for me. He surprised me with a fabulous surprise party. He and my best friend took me to dinner. Then on the premise that we had to meet a friend of his who had a train set for Bubba, we went to a bar that his friend was the bartender at a couple years back. Before we made it to the bar we stopped at Safeway. Hubby said he wanted to buy some gum. We pulled in and parked. I looked up from my phone and in the car we were parked in front of sat one of  my best friends. I tried to pretend I didn't see her. But, I think hubby knew I had. He got back in the car and pulled out as quickly as he could. It was too funny. When we made it to the bar  the people I love were sitting there. I almost cried. knowing in the final minutes before we got there that they were going to be there and then actually seeing them was so wonderful.
We spent the night drinking and talking. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

One of the "goods" in Autism

When my son was diagnosed with autism, I felt like my life as a mom was over. Here this beautiful little boy's future was being ripped away from him before he was even able to grasp it in his little chubby fists. As the years have gone by I have seen a better, clearer side to things. Yes, autism is hard. But, I'm also now able to see the good in autism. One of the good things about autism is the things we miss out on.

Bubba didn't go through some of the typical childhood phases. He never had the "why" phase. Thank God for that one. I hated it when we went through it with Roo, and it has yet to end.


He did however go through the " I have a penis, therefor I must grab a hold of it and never let go " phase. I blame husband for this one. Simply because he is male, and that seems fitting.

One time I took Bubba to the grocery store with me. It's the store both my husband and I work at, so we know just about everyone in there on any given day. This particular day I was talking to a coworker friend of mine and Bubba was in the cart behind me. My friend looked shocked and pointed to the cart behind me. When I looked I wanted to die; Both from laughter and embarrassment. Bubba was standing in the cart with his pants down and grabbing himself. Thankfully he was only 2 years old, so most people who saw chalked it up to him being a baby and a boy.

We have not had the "superhero" phase. This is a phase that as a girl I'm glad we skipped. I don't like super heroes. I'm a girl. I played with dolls and ponies, and occasionally army men (when my big brother made me). I just don't get superheroes. plus there are just too many of them. So thanks Bubba. Momma is happy you are stuck on trains.

And that brings us to a phase we have had and are still stuck on. TRAINS.
most little boys enjoy trains to some extent and for some length of time. For us it seems trains is the only phase we have never phased out of. Bubba has every single episode of Thomas The Tank Engine stored in his amazing brain, ready to pull out word for word at any given time. As a result, momma now has every episode of Thomas stuck in her brain, ramming against the parts that help me fall asleep.

The newest "phase" we have so amazingly discovered in our house is the one that just might send this momma to the nut house. I like to call it "The I'm an oppositional child who is trying to make my mom go nuts" phase. This is where every time I tell him to not do something, he yells the exact opposite. I told him to "stop jumping on his bed" the other day and the response I got was "Start jumping on the bed"!!!
This is not reserved just for me however. I'm proud to say he has whipped this little gem of annoyance out for daddy too. So, YAY !!

Oh and don't get me started on the phase we had last year. That one I'm sure is the reason his poor teacher ran for the safety net that is General Ed. He went through a stripping phase. Immediately joined by  cussing a blue streak phase.That was a fun one. I can't say he didn't learn his language from me, though. Woops. I was however proud when I came to school and the teacher told me he told her to F- it, when he was frustrated beyond reasoning. Is it wrong that I was proud of him for using it correctly? I didn't think so.

So yes, autism is hard, but within the hair pulling and ear piercing screams is a joy, and I'm proud to say, I see it now. 

Things I've never done...But wish I had.

We all have things in life we would like to do. Places to go or things to experience. I'm no different. I've seen a few NW states but that is about it. I've never been anywhere warm, or tropical. I've only ever flown on a plane once. Well twice, there and then back. There are a lot of things I thought I would have done by the time I was 30. Some were plans I had for myself, others are things I figured I'd do as I got older. All of the following are things I've never done, but wish I had. 

• Gone to a Luau in Hawaii 
• Ran a marathon 
• Learned to play a musical instrument.
• Bought a house
• Finished college 
• Learned to ballroom dance 
• Owned my own car (my husband is on the title of mine, not me)
• Gone surfing
• Gone whale watching 
• Seen a Broadway play
• Gone rock climbing 
• Swam with dolphins 
• Watched an opera 
• Traveled to Europe 
• Gone bungee jumping 
• Gone white water rafting 
• Visited New York 
• Gone snorkeling 
• Been kissed in the rain 
• Gone skydiving 
• Celebrated mardi gras in New Orleans
• Gone to a pro sports game
• Gone on a cruise 
• Owned my own dog 
• Gone to Las Vegas 
• Taken a ride in a hot air balloon
• Gone to Disneyland 
• Been to anywhere in California
• Been a bridesmaid 
• Gone on a long distance road trip with a friend
• Lived in another state 
• Seen the east coast 
• Had a bonfire on the beach 
• Counted the stars with the love of my life 
• Ride a train 
• Stay at a 5-star hotel 
• Be completely out of debt 

What is it that you have never done, but wished you had. Add yours to the comments below. 

My friend, the angel.

      In High school I had this friend unlike any other friend. Her name was Katie. She was loud, and goofy and could make anyone smile just by being near. She was a Cheerleader, so of course she was full of energy. But, she was also so full of life. It seemed like nothing ever bothered her. For her, life was always great. She would make up silly words and phrases, just because. She was a friend to EVERYONE, and I do mean everyone. She was just this big ball of happiness and sunshine. 

 I have so many memories of  time spent with her. Like the time when we were at her house making posters for homecoming and one of her kittens ran away. She lived in the country like me, so that cat could have run off to anywhere. She was not going to give up though. We looked for that thing for hours. We got chased by the neighbors dog and walked miles calling for that silly cat. We never did find him.

We took tumbling classes together for cheer leading and we usually drove to class together. Being older, I was the one with the car and She was the only one on the squad who liked the same music as me. It just made sense for us to ride together. We would drive the couple of miles to the gym together singing every song that came on the radio at the top of our lungs. We teased each other when we got the words wrong. One song in particular will always stick with me. There is a line in one Nickelback song that says "Living with me must have damn near killed you." She liked to sing it " Little woman must have damn near killed you" I would laugh so hard every time she sang it that way. I still smile and laugh every time I hear that part of the song come on. 

In 2004, almost  two years after I graduated, I was living in a town, away from were we grew up. I hadn't spoken to Katie in a while and honestly hadn't thought much about her. But, then I got a call that changed everything. Katie had died. The night of March 7, 2004, Katie had gone for  a ride on the back of a friends motorcycle. I'm not sure on exact details. All I know for certain is that there was a crash and Katie died. This silly, sunny person was gone. 

She was taken way too young; Just 18. She had her whole life ahead of her.She was supposed to graduate in less than 3 months. She was going to go to college. She loved fashion designing and had been drawing clothes for what seemed like ever. Her older sister had been one of my Cheer coaches and I dearly loved them both. Katie, since she was younger was my cheer sister. She was the little sister I looked out for and taught all I knew about cheerleading. She was a wonderful friend. 

I'm sure If she was still alive she would be in New York or LA designing clothes and becoming famous. I'd like to think we would have kept in touch through Facebook, as I do with her sister, but probably not. We would have drifted away and lived the lives we were meant to live. But, Katie's life was cut short. Her spirit touched so many people in the short 18 years she was alive. Today marks 10 years since she left us. I like to think she is looking down and smiling at all of us, proud of what our lives have become. I like to imagine she is goofing off and making funny jokes still. Being the clown she always was. 

Today when I went to the cemetery to bring her flowers, as I do every year. I was standing in front of her headstone, looking at her picture, seeing her bright smile and long brown hair.  I felt warm and looked up to see the sun shining through the trees. Spears of sunshine poked through the trees like fingers. Fingers reaching out to touch a loved one. It was like she was right there with me. showing me just how much she is still present. For me, and I know many others, she will never be gone.

If you knew Katie and have a memory of her, or something you would like to share about her please feel free to leave comments below. Lets keep her memory alive for all to enjoy.

A little about my weight gain and the start of my weight loss journey.

When I was in high school I was a cheerleader. I was fit, healthy and active. I worked out 5 days a week. On the weekends I worked a job that kept me on my feet for 8 hours a day. I wasn't intentionally working out, but I was. I was a very healthy 135 pounds. 

Then I graduated and moved out of my parents house. I started to have to fend for myself, buying my own food was so much more expensive then I thought. I started to do what I think all young adults on their own do, I bought crappier food because it was cheaper. I ate out more and was no longer working out. I started gaining weight and fast. changing my birth control didn't help much either, I gained 30 pounds in 3 months because of my birth control.

Then I found myself married, with a baby on the way. Pregnancy made me eat all the time. The first trimester all I did was puke. Once the morning sickness ended I ate all the time. My third trimester I was placed on bed rest. I was home alone all day long with nothing to do but eat and watch TV. I was on strict orders from the doctor to not do anything more strenuous than take a shower and go pee. 

After my son was born I was about 200 pounds. My life was changing, but my weight was not. I simply did not focus on myself and the weight loss. My husband never said a word about the weight. He's not the type to anyway. He loves me unconditionally. So weight loss was not a main focus for me; but it should have been.  Before I knew it, I was pregnant again. Weight gain was a concern for me, but my doctor was not concerned by it; so I didn't pay much attention to it either. After my daughter was born I was about 235 pounds. 100 pounds heavier than I was 6 years earlier. 

It was time to do something about it. But, I simply didn't know what to do. Like most people I would try whatever fad diet was out there. I spent money on diet pills and hoped they would all work. None did. Soon I found myself discouraged and really overweight. I needed to do something about it. 

A friend sent me an invite to join a weight loss group she went to. I jumped at the chance to do something different than I had before. I started going to these group meetings. I learned a lot about nutrition and exercise from this group. During the 9 months I attended these meetings I lost 35 pounds and many inches. 

Then things changed. I started to feel bad and my energy level dropped drastically. I had a lot of other problems too. I got sent to an endocrinologist and was diagnosed with hashimotos disease. A hypothyroid condition. My doctor told me I couldn't lose the weight on my own because my thyroid was not functioning. My 4 days a week 2 hour gym sessions were all for nothing. Which is why I had stopped. After 9 months of giving 100% and seeing little progress I got discouraged. 

My doctor upped my thyroid meds and gave me a new medicine to help with the weight loss. I started it at the end of October and now it's March. I've lost 25 pounds and it's still coming off. I haven't been working out like I used to, but I want to. I'm working more and not finding a lot of time to exercise. The weather is getting better and I'm going to start getting out and walking more. I'm on a good path now. I've gone gluten free. I'm eating better. I'm feeling better and that's what is important. I have a long road ahead of me, but I have goals and a plan. I have my doctors help and I finally feel like I will succeed.

30 completly useless facts....about animals

Here is a list of completely useless facts about animals, why? you ask. Why not ?

1. Giraffes and rats can live longer without water than camels 
2. More people are killed each year by bees than by snakes 
3. Dogs have four toes on their hind feet, and five on their front feet.
4. A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.
5. Butterflies taste with their feet.
   
6. Starfish don’t have brains.
7. Polar bears are left handed.
8. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
9. An ostrich’s eye is bigger that it’s brain.
10. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating
11. Porcupines float in water.
    
12. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
13. A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.
14. Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
15. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
    
16. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in airplane crashes.
17. Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.
18. Cat’s urine glows under a black light.
19. A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.
20. To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs – it will let you go instantly.
21. A crocodile can’t stick it’s tongue out.
    
22. A shrimp’s heart is in it’s head.
23. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
24. Rats and horses can’t vomit.
25. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
26. Ostriches are often not taken seriously. They can run faster than horses, and the males can roar like lions.
27. Seals used for their fur get extremely sick when taken aboard ships.
28. Sloths take two weeks to digest their food.
    
29. Guinea pigs and rabbits can’t sweat.
30. The porpoise is second to man as the most intelligent animal on the planet.

Did you enjoy this list ? Do you have a useless fact about animals? Post comments below. Share this list with your friends, you'll be smarter than them if you do. 

The loss of a husband, brother, son and friend

Today I learned of the passing of a high school classmate. His wife and a few other family members all attended the same high school as me. I didn't know him very well, but I had a couple classes with him over the years. From What I did know of him he was the kind of guy who's light shined so bright it was like his own personal sun. He was the life of the party, the one everyone wanted to know. He was nice to everyone and incredibly funny. Him and his wife were high school sweethearts. They spent the last 15 years loving each other. Through that love they had 2 beautiful daughters. His light and love will truly be missed by all who knew him. 

Sitting here thinking about him and the lose his family is going through makes me think back to two years ago when one of my best friends lost her husband. The pain she went through and the questions she never got answers to. The pain of the loss was the same, but the circumstances different; One was a medical condition the other was not. Over the time I helped my friend grieve and plan her husbands funeral, I thought a lot about the life of my own husband. When you marry someone you promise to love them for the rest of their life, But what none of us knows is how long that life will be. No one ever expects to bury a husband young, Yet two young wife's have had to do so now. These men were hard workers and loved their families. It's not right that four young children will not get to have their daddies watch them grow. Three  daughters won't get to dance with their dads at their weddings. With a heavy heart and many prayers for this family and my other friends family too, I can't help but hold onto my husband a little tighter and cherish every moment I have with him, however many more that shall be. 

May the loved ones of both men find peace and cherish the thought that their loved one is now in the arms of angels.

My favorite recipe

 Recently I came across a recipe on Pinterest. (This is my all-time favorite place to find recipes) Like many of my friends, I have pinned hundreds of recipes. I have also made a bunch of them. The one I liked the most is for a garlic basil cream sauce. It can be served over pasta or as the recipe calls for, over breaded chicken. I'm not sure who the original author of this recipe is, and I am not taking credit for it. It's just too good and too easy for me to have invented. Check it out and give it a try for yourself. You will not regret it.

              

 Basil Cream Sauce 

1/4 cup milk 

1/2 cup bread crumbs 

2 tsp bell pepper seasoning

1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breast; 4 halves

3 tbs butter 

3 cloves garlic- chopped

1/2 cup chicken broth 

1/2 can italian style diced tomatoes- drained and finely chopped 

1 cup heavy whipping cream 

1/2 cup Parmesan cheese  

2 tbs basil 

~ Melt Butter in a frying pan on medium heat

~In seperate bowls place milk and breadcrumbs

~ Bread the chicken by first dipping it in milk to coat and then immediately in bowl of bread crumbs. use a spoon to help you coat it completely

~ Brown chicken in pan with butter

~Take chicken out and set aside

~Add  garlic to pan. cook 1 minute 

~Add broth, bring to a boil 

~Stir occasionally to loosen brown parts on bottom of pan

~Stir in cream and tomatoes, bring to a boil, and stir for 1 minute. 

~ Reduce heat to low

~Add cheese, basil and a dash of pepper, stir and cook through, let sit to thicken. 

I served this the other night over pan-cooked chicken, and a bed of gluten free spaghetti noodles. It was fantastic. In the past I have done the breaded chicken and it too was fantastic. 

 Do you have a recipe you love ? leave it in the comments below.  

 

My Amazing Husband

Brag alert !!! This is going to be a post about how wonderful my husband is. Continue reading at your own risk. I will not be held accountable for any vomiting you may have from reading the mushiness to follow.


This June will be our 10 year wedding anniversary. O.M.G I can't believe we have made it 10 years. When we got married people assumed it was because I was pregnant and we thought that was what was expected. In reality, Yes, That was what was expected. But no, It's not the reason why we did it. We got married because we both loved each other and really couldn't see ourselves with out the other. We had talked about getting married less than a month into dating. We had been friends for over a year and a half before we ever moved into a dating relationship. I think this fact played a huge role in our relationship progressing the way that it did. 
Fast forward 3 years and we were in the middle of something that many couples don't survive. Our son's ASD diagnoses. The rumored divorce rate in families with autistic children is like 70%. OUCH !!
But somehow we found the strength to keep it all together. We have had a few rough spots along the way, but nothing too major. We take time for each other. We talk to each other,  and we are very physical with each other. I'm not just talking sex people, get your heads out of the gutter. We hold hands, we hug, we kiss often and just touch one another. Physical contact in any form is very reassuring. Someone who doesn't love you will not make the effort to touch you. 

My husband is very silly. He might be 9 years older than me, but he sure don't act like it. He's goofy, he tells jokes and is generally just silly. We play around together and with the kids. We have tickle fights and those usually turn into an impromptu wrestling match. (usually because I'm trying to get away before he makes me pee my pants, and he's holding me down so I won't get away) We laugh at each other all the time. But we can also laugh with each other too.

He helps me around the house - He cooks, he cleans and he gives me so much help with the kids. He allows me to have time to myself. This is a huge factor in why our marriage has worked. 

We support each other. He works full-time and has been going to school to finish his biology degree. I became a stay-at-home-mom to help him finish. While, his working and going to school while I was home worked for us for those 5 years, it doesn't anymore.

He supports me.- I'm back in the workforce. I see the time I'm at work the way I used to see my time out with my friends. It's my mommy's having a time-out time. I get to take off the MOM hat and put on the AMANDA hat. and I love that. I miss my kids when I'm gone, but that's all forgotten when I get home and discover the giant messes they have made for me while I was gone. Only partially kidding here, but seriously, He does WAY more than a lot of guys I know. 
some of my friends are having some serious marital issues right now and hearing about them all, makes me more appreciative of my husband and all he does for me. 
He makes my life easier. He doesn't have to, but he does.  He is there for me in all the ways I need, and even in the ones I'm not aware I need.

What I want to be when I grow up

When we are kids we dream about the things we will do when we grow up. We dream of becoming wonderful, splashy things like a ballet dancer, or a rock star.  When I was five...
                                           I wanted to be an Olympic Gymnast .

As we grow our dreams change and grow with us.
 When I was 10......
                                         I wanted to be a veterinarian. 

I loved animals and thought that was what I would do for the rest of my life. As I  learned more about the job, I learned I would be making animals feel better when they were sick or injured, but I would also have to put them to sleep. That was not what I wanted to do to the sweet lovely animals.

So my dreams changed yet again.

When I was 12 I dislocated my right knee in soccer practice. This resulted in a couple months of physical therapy. I began learning exercises to strengthen my muscles and ligaments around the knee cap.I didn't like doing them because they hurt. My therapist wouldn't let me back down. She made me work hard and in the end I was able to play soccer again in no time.
My freshman year of High School, I did it again. This time in cheerleading practice. unlike the first time, I wasn't going to get better by just doing exercises. This time I needed surgery to reattach the ligaments. I had ripped my Medial Collateral Ligament (MCL). After surgery I needed PT again. This time Suzzie ( The same therapist from last time) wasn't going to let me back down. She made me work hard. very hard. Some times I left in tears because it hurt so much. But, the day I was able to take off the brace and walk again all on my own, was the moment I knew all the blood, sweat and tears was so worth it.

And  in that moment I knew....
                                            I wanted to be a Physical Therapist when I grew up. 

 
I asked Suzzie what I needed to do, what I needed to study to be like her. She gave me some tips and advice. I set my goals and had a deadline. I was going to do this. I scheduled my classes toward the sciences.  I loved Anatomy and Physiology !
But alas it was not meant to be. I couldn't afford college.

After high school I moved in with my cousin and got a job at a grocery store. I was a checker in 3 months after starting out as a courtesy clerk ( a bag girl, for the older crowd) I took classes at the community collage and started to dream again......

                                           Only I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I got married and had my first child at age 20. I went to dental assisting school and was working full time. 3 years later I found myself laid off from my dental job and expecting another baby. We took this time to let me become a stay at home mom. My dream became....

                                             I want to be a mom when I grow up

I loved it. I was able to have a very relaxing pregnancy. I was able to reconnect with my son in a way I had not while I was working and going to school. The first few months were hard, as I've mentioned in posts before. This was the acclimation period for my son and I. We needed the time to get to know each other again, to learn each others routines and moods.
When my daughter was born all I wanted to do was be mommy to both my kids. My days were long, and thankless, but when my kids smiled or said mommy I knew it was all worth it. 
Now my kids are growing...
This last summer I returned back to work. The same work I was doing at 18. I'm a grocery checker again.
This time I'm 30 and looking for more in a job than just money. I'm looking for growth and improvement.
I need development in a job, not just the same thing every single day. I'm not going to find that in my current job. but, yet again....
                                             I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up

I have a very outgoing personality.I can talk to just about anyone, about anything. I love my job right now because I get to talk to hundreds of people each day, and no two customer interactions are the same. I'm creative and love home design. I worked in a floral shop in high school and love plants. I have so many sides to me that it makes it so hard for me to pick just one.
How do I decide ?
When do I decide ? When I'm applying for social security ?
When it's too late ? Never ?
I wish there was a way to mash all my interests together into my current job and still make it appealing.

How do people decide this all important question ?
How can people grow and know for certain that they want to be one thing and then become it ?
Am I broken ? is that why I can't decide ?

I love helping people and have been told many times that I would make a good nurse. I've always feared that feild because I am not good at doing math in my head. A skill nurses require when administering medications. I learned quickly the dental field was not for me either. I feel very passionately about Autism advocacy and helpng newly diagnosed families navigate this road. But what do I do with this passion ?
Why can't there be someone who tells us our purpose in life ? Someone who tells us the future ? That's what I need, a future teller.
I'm sure When I'm 40, 50 and 60 I'll be asking this question again. but as of right now.....

I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up

Things I wish I knew before I had my child with autism

           When Bubba was first diagnosed there were a million thoughts, feelings and fears that ran through my head. I didn't know anyone who had a child with autism and I certainly had no idea what we would be in for. I often wished there was someone out there who had gone through this who could give me tips and ideas, and just plain out tell me what I was in for. since I never found that, I'm writing mine out now for all the newly diagnosed families out there who might come across this one day. 

You just might meet your best friend in this

Early on in our journey, I felt alone. I felt like I was the only mom with a child like mine. I was lucky enough to meet a mom of one of the other boys in Bubba's Special Ed preschool. She has become my best friend. We have been through so much together in the almost 6 years we have known each other. Having a mom friend who goes through the same stuff I do has been a godsend.; So often in this life we lose friends from our pre-diagnoses life. They often just can't handle the extra strain our children can sometimes put on our lives. We are not as able to go out as easily as we were before. Finding a sitter for a special needs child can be difficult and sometimes just not worth the extra stress. We often feel guilty about leaving them, knowing the problems that could arise, so we tend to just not do it. Finding a friend who also has a child with ASD has made things easier. We both understand when the other has to cancel due to a child in mid meltdown. We get that when we show up to the others house the kids will more than likely be running around buck naked and that's OK. the house will be messy and there might be pee on the floor, or eggs, or whatever the child has found to make a mess with, (because I guarantee you, they will,) and that too is OK, because we get it. 

You might need to become a detective 

When Bubba was a baby he cried when he needed something, As he grew he learned other ways of communicating his needs. Sometimes he would lead me by the hand to where what it was he wanted was located. Other times he would just point and grunt at it. This is where I had to learn to be a detective. Determining his grunts was not always an easy task. We spent a lot of time asking him YES or NO questions. Sometimes to no avail. He would get upset and give up. As he has continued to grow his forms of communication has continued to change. When we are out in public he will start doing a high pitched squeal thing when he's overwhelmed and needs a break, or needs to just get out of there.when his behavior at home starts to change we have now learned that it might be a clue that something is up with him. recently he has started to act out. scream and be more moody than usual. We have discovered that this may be due to a toothache. He has been saying his dentists name too, So I looked in his mouth and noticed a tooth that may be bothering him. He has an appointment to be seen later this week.

It's OK to fear the diagnoses.

when my son was 18 months old, he started to lose all of his milestones. He stopped walking, talking and didn't want to be touched or held anymore. He started focusing on spinning objects and stacking blocks. I started researching and kept coming up with the same word. AUTISM  I learned everything I could about it, but I still had no clue what it really was. I took him to the doctor and asked for an evaluation. A couple months later after 4 hours of evaluations and tests, they came back with what I already knew. He had AUTISM. I had hoped I was wrong. The next few months were a blur. I knew we had to take action. The earlier they get services the better the outcome, right? We signed him up with early intervention and the journey was just beginning. I didn't like it. I had so badly wanted to be wrong.

 You'll learn more about trains and elevators than you will ever  want to know. 

Two years ago my son had a seizure, fell and hit his head. He was OK, but he needed stitches. The day after I was a tired mommy, due to being up all night worrying about my concussed child. He was playing on the computer in the dinning room while I was cleaning the living room. After hearing ELEVATORS for the 1 millions time. I told him to just Google an Elevator. Worst advice EVER. He did it. He was watching YouTube videos no more than 30 seconds later. He has gone through fazes like this before. In the past it has been about Pixar, Taco Bell, Wendy's and The movie Wall -E. he finds something he likes and he watches everything he can find on the internet about it, till he finds his next interest. 

At times You might not like  his AUTISM, but You will ALWAYS love your son

Some days the stimming is so bad it's all he's doing, or the screaming is so bad I think I'm going deaf. These are the days when I might not like his Autism. That's not saying I don't like my son, that's saying I don't like his autism. The part of him that makes him miserable, it makes me miserable too. When I've just about had enough I need to remind myself that he can't help it, it's not him, it's Autism. He doesn't want to feel like this, he can't help it. When he was 3 I lost my job and suddenly found myself a stay at home mom. The whole previous year I had been going to school and working full time. I saw my child for maybe an hour a day. I didn't know how to be his mom. It really was a learning curve for both of us. I cried a lot that year. He would spend hours screaming for reasons I could not figure out. At times I would have to lock myself in my room and cry. I would call my hubby at work and beg him to come home. I couldn't handle it. He would always remind me to breathe, he would tell me YES, I COULD DO IT. because I was his mom. and I was the only one he had. We eventually learned how to work together, and the 5 years I spent being his stay at home mom was truly amazing. We still have days like we did when he was 3. Sometimes his behaviors are so bad, I just want to leave, but I can't. taking time out helps. understanding he is having internal issues I can't see or understand helps.

 There is a lot of support out there

In the third year of our journey I came across a flyer that had been sent home in Bubba's backpack.It was for a dinner event for a local Autism moms support group. He was in Kindergarten at the time and I was desperate for other moms who knew what it was we dealt with every single day. So I called up the best friend who also has autistic kids, and told her we were going. She needed this as much as I did, so I wasn't letting her back out of going. On the night, we showed up to a local restaurant not having a clue what we were in for. Recognizing only one other mom from Special Ed preschool, we sat at this giant table with 15 or so other moms. As the night progressed we laughed, we cried and most of all we knew we were not alone anymore. If your local area doesn't have a support group, I highly suggest starting one. 

Do you have a child with autism ? what are the things you wish someone had told you ? 

Things I wish someone had told me before I had a child.

~ You wont always feel like it, but you will be a great parent. 

 ~You will be more tired after your child is born than you have ever been in your life, yet you will want to stand and watch them sleep for hours instead of going to sleep yourself.

~ When shopping for that first baby, spend good money on the stroller and car seat. The stroller because you will use it for a few years and the car seat because you will want one that can grow with your baby. They may cost more up front, but trust me, they will save you tons in the long run.

~ When pregnant, you will have the craziest dreams ever. But, no matter how many times you dream it, your baby will not come out looking like E.T.

~ After delivery, you will still look 6 months pregnant. Once the baby is out things don't instantly pop back into place. it takes time.

~ When your pregnant with your first child you will want to read all the WHAT TO EXPECT books. Don't ! save yourself the anxiety and self loathing. it's not worth it.

~ Breastfeeding is HARD. for some it gets easier, For some it does not.

~ It's Ok to feed your baby formula if that's what you choose. What is important is that your baby is fed and is healthy.

~ Toddlers will play with anything, toy or not.

~ When you have your first baby,  Take advantage of the time when the baby sleeps. Get some sleep too.

~ Take lots of pictures, babies change so much, so quickly.

~ Just enjoy being a parent. 


What do you wish someone had told you before you had a child ? leave a comment below.

Things I've learned from marriage

This year my hubby and I will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary. Our marriage has in no way been a perfect one, but it has been a mostly happy one. We have had our ups and downs and will continue to do so in the years to follow I'm sure. The following is some of the things I've learned in my 10 years with him

                                        Hubby and I in 2004 with baby Bubba.


Patients really is a virtue

When dealing with men, whether in my job or my home life, I have learned to be patient.They just don't do things as fast as women do. They take time and think it over, they act slowly. and multitasking is a foreign language to them.  So the next time you ask your husband to take out the garbage or fix the leaky faucet and a week later they are still there or not fixed, it could be because he is contemplating the best course of action.Give him a gentle reminder and wait. If next week it's still not done, it might be time to call the plumber and heft the garbage out on your own.

Communication is vital

My parents were married for 27 years. On that 27th year my father announced he wanted a divorce, he'd had enough and he was done. I wasn't shocked by this, I was more shocked it hadn't happened sooner. You see the one thing I never saw my parents do was communicate. As a child, I saw them fight and yell and argue, but I never saw them communicate with each other. If my dad did something that upset my mom she would storm off and sulk in her room. She never told him how she felt. How his actions hurt her or his words cut her. She would just disappear and not communicate. I've learned If you don't tell your partner how they make you feel, then they never get the opportunity to learn from their actions and make it right. If you are the type of person who shuts down, maybe writing a letter to them is a better approach for you. Face to face confrontation can be hard, and isn't for every one.Communicate with your partner the best way you can. shutting down shuts them out and that's just not fare to anyone involved.

Never stop being friends

Most relationships and marriages start with friendships. You have to like who you are with. It's just that simple. When you start to forget why you are with your partner, remember why you became friends with them in the first place. Were they funny, nice or smart? Was it their kindness that attracted you to them? whatever it was keep it in mind. You'll start to see those traits in your partner again

 Date nights are vital

 When you are an adult your life is super busy, add in kids and a job and it could seem like every second of your day is full. It's important to take time for each other away from the kids, and work and home. Go out to dinner, or see a movie, or even just go for a long walk together. Time alone with the one you love is vital to any relationship. It gives you time to reconnect and communicate. Some people like to schedule date nights once a month, but for some it's not financially doable. My husband and I get a date night about once every three months, less if we are lucky. it's time we treasure together, and that's what is important. We don't talk about the kids, or the bills, or our stresses. we just talk.Last year when we were living with the hubby's parents we would sneak out just to go to the store together.

 Life is not a fairytale

 All little girls grow up believing they are princesses, and one day they will find their price charming. I'm sorry to tell you, he does not exist. Once women give up the notion that he's out there somewhere just waiting the better relationships they will have. Your husband is not a price, he's not there to protect you from dragons and trolls. He's your partner, he's your other half. Life is hard and it never works out the way we think it will. holding onto unrealistic expectations of how life should be will do nothing but lead to disappointments. take each day as it comes, and when trouble arises, face it head on, don't wait for your knight in shining armor to rescue you.also if you are single, give up the notion that Mr. Perfect is out there.He's not.

It's  important to let things go

The most important thing I have learned in my marriage is to let things go. holding onto the small stuff in life leads to undue stress and resentment. People make mistakes, forgiveness is necessary for love to grow. Give up old grudges and forgive mistakes. we are all human and no one is perfect.

It's a constant work in progress 

The people my husband and I were when we got married are not the people we are today. We both have gotten older and  sure hope wiser. Time changes you, it can make you wiser or it can brake you and make you skeptical. Relationships need to be nurtured and cared for to grow and develop. Just like our children we love and care for each day, so do we need to love and care for our relationships too.

You have to remember who you were as a couple before you got married.  

Recently my kids spent a long weekend at the beach with their grandparent. Even though both my hubby and I had to work, we snuck in a movie date and a late dinner together. The next day we got to sleep in and snuggle up together before starting our days. One of the days I didn't work, but he did. I spent the whole day cleaning the house and doing the things I can't usually get done with kid's around. I was in such a good mood I made a lovely dinner for us and when he got home I met him at the door with a nice cold beer. to my shock and surprise he had a beautiful bouquet of pink roses for me.These simple gestures really touched both of us. It felt like we were dating again. The things you do for your significant other when you were dating showed them how much you cared. It's important to not forget those things, or those feelings.

 If you stop fighting with your partner, the marriage is over  

This is probably my most important marriage rule. When you no longer care enough to fight with your partner, you no longer care enough to fight for your partner. I've seen friends who have gone through divorces just give up.When one or the other partner gives up the love is gone, the fight is gone and then everything is gone. I live with his rule. I've seen it destroy marriages. I've also seen it save marriages. When you fight, truths are revealed. Passion usually sparks honestly. The things about your partner that have bugged you or the hurt feelings you have been hiding all come to the surface. This is the time to listen to your partner, listen to what they are saying, take it to heart and take action to fix it. Apologize and move on together.



Do have a lesson you've learned from marriage ? share it with us in the comments below.

A letter to my 18 year old self.

 

Dear 18 year old me,

      As I sit here thinking about what I would tell my 18 year old self, all I can think about is all the people who were in my life at 18. The ones who still are, and the ones I lost; lost through time and distance, and sadly through death. Yes, you will lose a friend. A very smart and loving friend. One who will forever be missed, and who's death impacts your life more than you will ever know.

     Right now you are focusing on Senior year; on cheerleading, on boys and on graduating. Your weeks are filled with school and practice and on the weekends work at the grocery store.

     You're too young to really have any major worries, but they all feel major. You write in your journal about your days. You write about love and loss of love. You write about your fears, and wonder if you will ever find someone to love you. Be patient, he is waiting for you. and you will find him. When you do, you won't realize it right away. You will stumble and fall and he will be there to pick you up again. He makes you happy. and he's a better friend to you than any you have ever had.

     This year will be hard for you. There are a lot of stresses coming your way, some you handle well, others you don't. You will make some mistakes along the way, ones you need to make to learn from. One I'm not so proud of. You almost end it all. You don't know it now and you won't till you are 29, but you are sick. You have a hormone imbalance due to your thyroid malfunctioning. This spring you will go to the doctor and tell her how tired you are, and she will give you anti-depressants. They make you think about suicide. You think about it and when the stress in your life becomes too much, you take action. You fail. It's the best failure you will ever make.

    Right now, being popular is all anyone wants, it's the focus in the land of high school, it's the thing most people will strive to obtain. You don't know it, but you are already. The friends you have will be lifelong. They will be there for you in times of need and times of joy. Two in particular will be with you forever. You might not always be in close contact and distance will separate you, but you will always find your ways back to them and them to you. These are the friends to hold on to. They will mean everything to you one day. All the pettiness of teenage life will be nothing compared to what you will go through with these two, and you all will come out stronger than when you went in.

      I know right now you worry about your future. You worry you won't find love, and that things won't work out for you. I need to tell you to be patient. life is good, but it's slow. it doesn't show all it's cards at once. All the plans and dreams you have for your life are just that, plans and dreams. Plans are made to be broken and dreams can change. Nothing is set in stone. You are stronger than you think. Give yourself more credit than you do. Relax a little and trust more in fate, it will all work out in the end.

Love,

Your 30 year old self. 

 

 

What would you tell your 18 year old self?  leave me a comment below.

Four little words

 I was trolling through my Facebook feed today and came across an article about actress Tia Mowry. It was talking about how she bawled like a baby the first time her son told her he loved her. It also said her husband gave her the O.M.G look. I get this one from my(such a guy) husband every time I get overly emotional about anything. it says " O.M.G I can't believe you are crying over THAT." 

I have had that moment. The one where you hear your child say they love you for the VERY first time. The one that melts you to a complete puddle right where you stand. I will never forget this moment. We had been having a very rough time in our family because my husbands parents had been in an almost fatal care accident, and my daughter was only a month old. 
My parents had been over to babysit the littles while the hubby and I visited his at the hospital. His dad was still in the ICU and his mom was going to have another surgery the next day. I remember walking in the door upset that his dad hadn't made any progress in his recovery and the doctors weren't sure if he was going to be paralyzed, ( he broke his neck) My dad sat on the couch in our little apartment holding Roo, while I filled him in on what we had learned at the  hospital. It happened so fast. 
The first time he said it I didn't actually hear him. He said it again, standing at my feet, pulling on my shirt. FOUR LITTLE WORDS. It was all it took to drop me to my knees.
                                                           
                                                  "Mommy, I love You.

My little guy was almost four years old when he spoke those words for the first time. Because of his ASD he has delayed speech. I never thought I would hear those words from him. I have no clue what made him say them at that given moment, but I needed it. 

I remember just dropping to my knees and holding on to my baby boy. I cried happy tears that day. I cried because he said something so real, and so meaningful. I cried because he shared and I cried because I had finally gotten an answer to my prayers.

Sometimes Parents of typical children take this moment for granted. Those of us with kids who have language issues, know this moment may never come for us, So when it does it means so much more.


share your own FOUR LITTLE WORDS moments in the comments below.
Thanks for reading  !!!

The start of my disease.

Last year I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease called Hashimotos disease.

it affects EVERYTHING in my body. 

When I was diagnosed I was having some really intense symptoms. I was freezing all the time, in the middle of summer I was huddled under blankets, and in the house shivering. I was having memory loss. really bad memory loss. I had to keep calling Hubby to remind me why I was in the car and where I was supposed to be going. honestly I probably shouldn't have been driving. We would have a conversation and I would think it was the first time, till he would say, "we talked about this the other day, don't you remember ?" But I didn't remember. to me it was the first time we were having the conversation..I even went as far as to accuse him of trying to make me feel crazy. as if I needed any help there. right? 

So I talked to my friend, who was getting worried about me. I wasn't looking the same. my hair was falling out and I was puffy and gray looking. I had no energy. I had stopped going to the gym with her because I just didn't have the energy anymore to leave the house. just taking a shower felt like I was running a 5K. I had become the mom nobody wanted to have, I was moody and lazy, and no fun at all. 

So I called my Dr. She checked my TSH levels and referred me to an endocrinologist. The other Dr's I had seen, a total of 5 in 7 years, all had tested my TSH at one time or another. Some had said it was a little high others had said it was "normal". I hate the term "NORMAL" when it comes to my TSH. just because my blood test says I'm fine, doesn't mean I actually feel FINE. and not one of them understood this. 

So I made the appointment with the endocrinologist, and geared myself up for a battle once again. you see because all the other Dr's who I had trusted because, hey, they were doctors and therefor knew more than me, had all told me YOU HAVE DEPRESSION. 

Not one of them listened to me, not really. all they heard was when I said I was tired, like really tired, all the time. no matter how much sleep I got I was incredibly tired. so this automatically meant DEPRESSION. which meant anti-depression meds. which meant major side effects.       
I'm too damn young to have no sex drive !!!!

So I geared up to prove I was not depressed. This time I was going in armed. I made a list of all my symptoms. 

•  mood swings
• very dry skin
• weight gain...a lot of weight gain
•  headaches 
• joint pain
• hair loss
• memory loss
• FATIGUE 
• bloating and gas

I know not very flattering, but there it was the honest truth about how I was feeling. These things could all be symptoms of many different things. but together to my new doctor they spoke volumes. 

A couple weeks later there I was sitting in the little room nervous I would be shut down again. So this time I brought my husband to explain the things I was going through in case I couldn't or I didn't get it out right. 
 In came this young looking blond woman. she had a cute Russian accent. She sat down and casually spoke to me like a friend would. She asked questions about my life and really paid attention. She listened as I told her how stressful my life can be, at the time we were really struggling with Bubba Boys ASD. 
She reviewed my medical chart and looked at my medical history. she asked about the anti depression meds my previous Dr had placed me on. She asked if they were making me feel better and I told her No, Not really. And that was honest. I had been taking them everyday for over a year, and I had never felt any difference from the day I started, She looked at my recent blood tests and then did her physical exam. She looked at my belly, and then felt around my neck. My voice was very horse and she picked up on that too. She asked how long it had been like that. I couldn't remember a time it hadn't, so I'm guessing for years.
She then poked around my throat and it felt like she was going to strangle me, but I was relieved, because not everyone knows this, but your thyroid is in your throat. It's a butterfly shaped gland in the middle of your throat near the Adams apple. and mine had never been examined by any of the other Dr's who had told me I was hypothyroid and gave me pills to fix it.... along with the anti-depressants. 
As it turned out mine was very swollen, hence the horse sounding voice, and the feeling of food being stuck in my throat all the time. She asked about the memory loss and my husband explained the conversations we had repeated and the meals I had made for what I thought was the first time not knowing I had already made them the week before. She said I was lucky I was seeing her when I was, that this could lead to a very dangerous side affect, and ultimately a Coma,or death. I was scared, but glad I was seeing her.
She was my miracle. This new Dr. was finally validating all the things I had thought I was imagining, because no other Dr, ever seemed to understand it.
She looked at me and said, I'm pretty sure you have something Called Hashimotos disease, but I will do more blood work to be sure. 
She talked a little about what it was and honestly I don't remember what was said after she gave the diagnoses. I was in Shock. I wasn't crazy after all. I really was sick. It wasn't in my head as the other Docs had suggested. and finally I had a name to what I was feeling. 
She said I didn't need the anti-depressants any more, that I never should have been given them, but that this is a common result to General MD's not understanding what they were seeing. We set up a game plan and I was sent for more blood work. given a new prescription for a synthetic thyroid hormone and sent home. 
I finally had a name and a plan. I was finally going to start feeling better........



That was last year. check back for how I am doing this year and the progress I have made with my disease so far.